New collages, partly done.

I am overwhelmed with to do.  And more to do.  Happily, I snuck away this evening to go write at b&n.  Is there anything more fun?  I think not!  I have my first story, and letter to my teacher, due May 30th.  Writing tonight put a lot of things in prospective for me.  Thankfully!  But Holy Moly, how will I ever fit this in?  What have I gotten myself into?

Here are some artsy works in progress.

 My first attempt at collaging with beeswax.  Encaustic art, if you will.  ...this is nearly done, which definitely means, not yet done!

 and a second layer of butterflies for this beauty. I do not know where this is going.  I love this simple butterfly beauty as is for now.  ...Can't you tell that I am very pleased with this week's work.  Don't forget that scrappy quilt for Madison's birthday.  Still giddy, yes indeedy!

no editing today, forgive the darkness!

Our Apple Tree in Bloom!

ah, glorious spring!

Sewing Sewing Sewing

My deadline is quickly approaching.  Madison turns 9 in less than two weeks.  I have work to do!  I will admit, this is not an easy task with Paiger near by, but we're doing it, and I am giddy with the results.  I am seriously feeling joyful once again.

(I've been sewing sew (hehe...so) much, Paige woke up and told me "I want to sew Mama!"  haha, not even 2 yet!

Go here to see the first pics of these shabby, organic, adventure of mine!

I'm thinking

I may send this one in.

Suddenly this little piece is speaking to me, and I think it may be my favorite. I don't want to let it go though.

Hubs says I have to blog like everyday.  Funny, since I don't seek out new readers, but if I am to listen to my heart, and work, write, and create, I guess I must start truly blogging.  And since it is just a do day, and I know I've shared this piece before, I now share again!

My week has been dark.  Really dark.  So much pain and sadness.  Melancholy, certainly.  But anger at myself as well.  But this afternoon, I had a release, and I feel good again.  Let's hope for cheery skies soon. And I am going to create tonight!

In contrast

to yesterdays post, here is a little more in Kelsey's book, and a background/journaling piece I started.

This is an OLD one of the girls.  So long before Paiger!  My journaling here and in the next page (not shown yet) is about Kelsey's faces.

This is a fab background I made, well fab to me! This was an exciting day for me, and I saw new dreams form, and realizing that they can come true.

Thanks for understanding yesterdays post.  And thanks for the wonderful comments.  Lovely to know I am not alone and am free to say what I need to say!

Anger

I woke up angry.  Angry I don't get enough sleep.  Angry that I have to homeschool.  Angry that babe is nearly 2 and loud and full of her own anger.  Angry.

I was then angry at how hard it is sometimes to get Kelsey to function.  I am talking real anger.  I thought my head was going to rip at some seam, and my screams would shake our house.  Angry.

Last night, watching Parenthood, I got angry.  When Adam yelled at Max, I thought good. Max needs to see how absurd he acts.  My daughter has AS and she gets it, because I cannot sugar coat everything and have us all live in denial.  Then Max asked his dad if he was angry at him having Aspergers.  No, of course not.  But the sad thing is, I was like YES!  I am angry that you have Aspergers.  I am not mad at you necessarily, but I am mad at it all.  Why do we have to struggle like this? Why can't you just get it?  WHY? WHY? WHY?

When our morning school struggles hit, and Kelsey's nasty mess of a room and bathroom, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to scream I am so angry at this.  I hate that you are like this.  I hate it.  ...but I love you.  Completely.  I love you, but why??? and why? and why?

I didn't say this to her.  I was thinking it, while my head nearly ripped apart.

I wanted Adam to say this too.  I want to feel ok for these feelings.  But Parenthood is a tv show, and I am living with it for real.  And my daughter will always struggle.

Then the baby poured milk all over the table and all over the floor and all over the bench.  And I went from angry, to pissed.

It was not a fun morning.

and then I calmed down.  I know baby is sick and she is crabby and 2 year olds left will indeed find a bowl of milk, that Kelsey did not put away, and will spill it everywhere for fun.  Of course they will.

The rest of the day got better.  It always does.

I made these a few years ago.  They were my second and third published pages.  I love them as they really reflect the mothering struggles and joys I felt, all within a 24 hour period. I wish I had time to make some pieces now.  I know it would help.  But I don't have the luxury of time, and that also, makes me very angry.  

A tiny project, con't

I worked a little more, and I mean very little, on this book about Kels this week.  My mom was in town, and we were busy buying her a house!  ...and we went shopping and on dates too!

I posted a little about this book a couple weeks back.  It is really my therapy about my Kelsey, and her struggles.  I am so happy with how it is turning out. And when I think about her, and her hardships, and the energy it takes at times, I always come down to the simple truth that she is my girl, and I think she is perfect.

These are a bit dark, I know.  I am not in editing mode today, and the skies are gloomy.  There are black pom poms on the top!  Down below is a work in progress pic!

 Decided on no buttons.  Not really Kelsey.

This mini book is simply paper.  Most of it is doubled up and sewn together. I love the colors and crazy mess which really is Kelsey.    The text is the story My Many Colored Days, by Dr. Seuss.

Some days are yellow.

Some are blue.

On different days I'm different too.

You'd be surprised how many ways

I change on Different Colored Days.

On Bright Red Days

how good it feels 

to be a horse

and KICK my heels!

On other days I'm other things.

On Bright Blue Days

I flap my wings.

Some days, of course,

feel sort of Brown.

Then I feel slow

and low,

low 

down.

Then comes a Yellow Day.

And, WHEEEEEEEEEE

I am a busy buzzy bee.

Gray Day...Everything is gray.

I watch.  But nothing moved today.

Then all of a sudden 

I'm a circus seal!

On my Orange Days 

that's how I feel.

Green Days.  Deep deep in the sea.

Cool and quiet fish. That's me.

On purple Days

I'm sad.

I groan.  

I drag my tail.  

I walk alone.

But when my days are Happy Pink

it's great to jump

and just not think.

Then comes my Black Days.

MAD.

And loud.

I howl.

I growl at every cloud.

Then comes a Mixed-Up Day.

and WHAM!

I don't know 

who 

or what

I am!

But it all turns out all right,

you see.

And I go back 

to being...

ME!