Thursday, May 26, 2011

brutally honest moments

I have to have them.  This is where I release them.

It started off two nights ago.  I took two of the girls to Barnes and Noble, and I met a very nice lady at the Thomas the Train set.  We had grown up talked, and I really liked her.  She had two little ones, only a year apart.  When I see this, my eyes bulge.  After telling me their ages, and oh so optimistically, she just said, it is so fun!  Wow.  Fun???  My answer is work, and tears, and screaming, and that is just from me. Add in the tantrums, the demands, the moments she still often wakes in the middle of the night, the pulling on my everything!!! and fun is not my truth.  I so wish it was.

Clearly, there are so many fun moments.  I know this.  I suck it in and try to hang on, because it can change in an instant, and this is true for all my kids.  This is true for me.  But I remember the days, not too long ago, and I dream of them.  I crave them.  I remember the olders getting to that stage where everything is getting easier.  Not easy, never, but at times rather wonderful.  And then we are all hit in the face with the reality of another child.  A DEMANDING child.  And suddenly, my olders don't get what they need.  And it has not changed in two years.  This is not fun.

Today, driving Miss Social Butterfly to a friend outing, Maddy said to me, remember when it was just me and Kelsey.  Remember we used to do so much stuff all the time.  Now we have Paige.  And sadly, I think this sometimes too.  I don't want to, and Paige IS our love.  She has a house full of people wrapped so tight around her every demand.  No wonder she kills me.  She is the center of all our worlds, but it is so exhausting.  Sooooo fucking emotionally exhausting. Clearly, it is for Madison too, and how horribly sad this makes me.

I am hopeful that changes are coming, but holding back the tears until it gets here.

...and when all is said and done, I sit back, and try to let it go.  The house right now is peaceful, for a few minutes anyways.  And I look at happy photos, and all is better this moment.


  1. my heart aches for your aches. i don't have that same experience with multiple kids, but i can empathise with those feelings of remembering the good of the "good ole, easier days." good thing that little one is so cute & lovable, huh?

  2. I don't know the whole story so I'm hoping to dig back into your archives and find out more about Miss Paige. (who is adorable, btw.) My Sam is 3 and is our very hardest. He's got so many allergies, a stubborn, demanding personality and is exhausting on every level. It IS hard work... and definitely not always fun (some days I feel like there is no fun involved at all!) :( I'm sorry you're feeling this way...I hope you find a FUN day...soon.

  3. I can totally relate, as I sit here and try to fight back my own tears. This past week has been really rough, and I'm at a loss. I know it doesn't compare to some of the things that you go through, having three children, but I can't even imagine what you go through because I'm having such a hard time with just one. We love them so much and want them to be happy, and when those moments are scarce it is so hard! XOXO

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  5. I'm so sorry you have such hard moments. Please continue to know that I'm here for you. I make a killer casserole, I can clean a house decently, I could probably get through an afternoon or morning of watching Paige and Matteo. I'm here!

  6. oh, it's work amiga. Work, and work, and work, and frustration heaped on frustration, and endless fights, and the greatest fight of all: to get a little bit of time to ourselves. Of course we love them, but damn, it's hard.

  7. I think that love is work. Yes, there are good times, but it is work. It is staying up late and being tired and getting all gritty. I'm sure that the mom that you talked to over the trains also feels tired and exhausted at times.

    I think every mother who has any grasp on reality will agree. Hope that next week settles down a bit.

  8. I tried to leave a comment here last week for you, but Blogger wasn't allowing me to leave comments... But I wanted to tell you how much I relate to this particular struggle. My two boys are finally at an easy age, but my littlest just makes EVERYTHING difficult! This summer is going to be such a challenge, trying to make things fun for them, but not allowing her to "ruin" their fun, you know?

    But of course, we wouldn't trade our situations for anything... It's certainly a struggle though!

    And to answer your question, I simply use glue stick for my fabric in my journals. It hold surprisingly well for me, and I've never had any problems with it!


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