It started off two nights ago. I took two of the girls to Barnes and Noble, and I met a very nice lady at the Thomas the Train set. We had grown up talked, and I really liked her. She had two little ones, only a year apart. When I see this, my eyes bulge. After telling me their ages, and oh so optimistically, she just said, it is so fun! Wow. Fun??? My answer is work, and tears, and screaming, and that is just from me. Add in the tantrums, the demands, the moments she still often wakes in the middle of the night, the pulling on my everything!!! and fun is not my truth. I so wish it was.
Clearly, there are so many fun moments. I know this. I suck it in and try to hang on, because it can change in an instant, and this is true for all my kids. This is true for me. But I remember the days, not too long ago, and I dream of them. I crave them. I remember the olders getting to that stage where everything is getting easier. Not easy, never, but at times rather wonderful. And then we are all hit in the face with the reality of another child. A DEMANDING child. And suddenly, my olders don't get what they need. And it has not changed in two years. This is not fun.
Today, driving Miss Social Butterfly to a friend outing, Maddy said to me, remember when it was just me and Kelsey. Remember we used to do so much stuff all the time. Now we have Paige. And sadly, I think this sometimes too. I don't want to, and Paige IS our love. She has a house full of people wrapped so tight around her every demand. No wonder she kills me. She is the center of all our worlds, but it is so exhausting. Sooooo fucking emotionally exhausting. Clearly, it is for Madison too, and how horribly sad this makes me.
I am hopeful that changes are coming, but holding back the tears until it gets here.
...and when all is said and done, I sit back, and try to let it go. The house right now is peaceful, for a few minutes anyways. And I look at happy photos, and all is better this moment.