For the first 5 who comment, I will make something hand-made this year for you! But, the deal is, you have to post this on your blog, or fb or something, and make a hand-made gift for 5 people, and on and on... (you saw the movie)!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Finding Peace with Baby
These past few days, or week, I have not felt well. Just a yucky cold, but you know, head stuffed and everything is just hard. (happily, and on an extreme side note, my lovely neighbor gave me Gilmore Girls, season 1, and I have been glued. oh, so in love. Late nights may be in order for a while, as I cannot stop watching this show!)
so, back to my tale of love and peace. Paige has been changing. I have seen this huge shift from baby, to older baby, to little girl, especially this week. Aside from her astounding communication, she is leaving my side. Suddenly she is off playing with her sisters, and even at the neighbors! She is not screaming to have me at her side, each moment, and is trusting in others. While this is happening, and I am going through the never ending debate in my head to be complete, or to complete, I am finding Paige this little buddy of mine. I am so connected to this lady. We sit on the couch and talk! She is 21 months now, and we talk and talk. We do things together like little friends, and I really see this with her and Kelsey as well. And though congestion, and lethargy, I smile. Wow, this little lady fills us up, and everything is just not that hard anymore.
Paige was having a little conversation with herself in the bathroom mirror! It was pretty cool!
and little bangs from Mama!
Paiger. Full of life, zest, spunk, and love. She pushes me to my end, but brings me right back again.
Yesterday, I let go of trying to find any artistic type shot. I snapshot! I a firm believer in still putting my camera on auto, so I can ever so quickly, take pictures of my girls. Composition, depth of field, exposure, all out. But capturing this cute smile, her happy mood, a nice day, totally in. These photos are just as important, and I love them!
so, back to my tale of love and peace. Paige has been changing. I have seen this huge shift from baby, to older baby, to little girl, especially this week. Aside from her astounding communication, she is leaving my side. Suddenly she is off playing with her sisters, and even at the neighbors! She is not screaming to have me at her side, each moment, and is trusting in others. While this is happening, and I am going through the never ending debate in my head to be complete, or to complete, I am finding Paige this little buddy of mine. I am so connected to this lady. We sit on the couch and talk! She is 21 months now, and we talk and talk. We do things together like little friends, and I really see this with her and Kelsey as well. And though congestion, and lethargy, I smile. Wow, this little lady fills us up, and everything is just not that hard anymore.
Dark shots, I know. Edit later! I love this progression.
and little bangs from Mama!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I am thinking only of love.
Today is a sad day. My stomach aches for Japan. I keep thinking about what these disasters do to us, and how we really do come together as human beings to help one another, our hearts bleed, and we care. We really do care, because we are human, and we love.
I was writing in my journal, sitting next to baby in the bath, hearing the girls downstairs, actually not fighting, and my heart filled up with love. I cannot do anything to help the people of Japan, but can mourn, and care, and teach my children about love. Suddenly, all the hard times, like yesterday, and this past couple weeks feeling grief and frustration, are gone, and I think only of love.
then I began working on this in my journal. Kelsey and Maddy, a long time ago!!!
Today is also flashback friday, a blog day I really look forward to, as I love to look back and reflect. Sometimes my reflections are hard, and other times just fun, but today, I just think about looking back, and the only thing I ever think of is my family. Love. I never reflect anymore about broken days, about my childhood (unless doing a healing course), about high school. I only think of the people in my life that fill me with love.
So today, I show some random, happy, snapshots from last year.
Photos of my girls hanging out together, just make me light up. Doesn't baby Paiger look like she is playing XBox with Kels? Ha (big ol' smile!)
and these two!
Coming home to this...heart melting.
and big daddy, watching a movie like this...
I was writing in my journal, sitting next to baby in the bath, hearing the girls downstairs, actually not fighting, and my heart filled up with love. I cannot do anything to help the people of Japan, but can mourn, and care, and teach my children about love. Suddenly, all the hard times, like yesterday, and this past couple weeks feeling grief and frustration, are gone, and I think only of love.
then I began working on this in my journal. Kelsey and Maddy, a long time ago!!!
Today is also flashback friday, a blog day I really look forward to, as I love to look back and reflect. Sometimes my reflections are hard, and other times just fun, but today, I just think about looking back, and the only thing I ever think of is my family. Love. I never reflect anymore about broken days, about my childhood (unless doing a healing course), about high school. I only think of the people in my life that fill me with love.
So today, I show some random, happy, snapshots from last year.
Photos of my girls hanging out together, just make me light up. Doesn't baby Paiger look like she is playing XBox with Kels? Ha (big ol' smile!)
oh, the tender moments. I am so sappy!
and these two!
Coming home to this...heart melting.
and big daddy, watching a movie like this...
Sisters. Fill me up with so much Love!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
an Aspergers type of day. again.
Despite the sunshine, and the fact that I put on real clothes and make-up, straightened my bangs and all!!!, it has been a hard day. I went to my neighbors mom/church gathering at her home. It was centered around mothering, and lots and lots of little ones everywhere. Amazing, wonderful, moms drinking decaf coffee and eating yummy little snacks. (I drank real coffee, with lots and lots of caffeine!) I was excited to get out, even just to go to the next door over!!! haha, kinda sad!, and talk and maybe pick up a trick or two. Wow, do I ever feel like a looser. Geez. I am so not functioning compared to these women, it is just sad. So, I listened a lot, and didn't talk (amazing!) and I tried to take in some things that I can do to help me in the home. I left early, had to pick up M, and I walked in and Kelsey was in complete melt down after I said one simple thing. Oh my, I just came out of the house of so together women, juggling all these kids, and they all looked great, and SLAM, my reality set in, and no wonder I struggle so hard. I explained to Kelsey, while trying to quickly change a boom boom and run to get Maddy, what I expected from her today. She needs to catch up on her school work, and I need help around the house. We need to all work together and get our home together, and our work done. I know I just said that twice, but mothering Kelsey, I repeat a lot! Kelsey, couldn't handle this I guess, and we are back to tears. And more tears, and life is suddenly hard, and I don't know why. Why?
I had a LONG talk with a developmental Dr. man the other night. We are not working with him, but he took an hour to talk to me on the phone about some things. Kelsey is so in her head, that everything that does not revolve around her, what she wants to do, where her mind is at the moment, makes her upset. Apparently, this is a typical thing for children like Kelsey. So, what have I been doing all these year? I have been bending over backwards to help eliminate these episodes, and guess where it has gotten us? At some point, I need to say, we need to get ready, leave this house, and I expect you to be ready in 1 hour, with out a crying episode.
Kelsey says she longs for a simple life, as long as we don't get bored. haha. We have a pretty simple life, the only way to make it simpler is to not make her do school work, or ever get out of bed. We will let her hair dred, and never clean. Oddly enough, she wants chickens, and an entire farm to take care of, I guess as long as mother does everything.
I am exhausted.
I suddenly am really questioning how I run this house. I never stuck to a strict schedule, as Kelsey's moods and such change all the time. But, I wonder if I need to create and stick to some sort of type plan/ Because whatever I am doing, is not working. I can do this better.
After this episode, I went to pick up Maddy, and I actually got out of the car and socialized. Amazing! I surrounded myself with other moms that were still having little ones, and I talked, although I still feel pretty pathetic in my attempts to do this.
btw, I just put school work on hold, again, to let the kids play with the hose outside. It is too nice, and Kelsey's mood has changed dramatically. See, can't schedule at all! I think I'll go take a photo and draw with baby on the sidewalk!
I had a LONG talk with a developmental Dr. man the other night. We are not working with him, but he took an hour to talk to me on the phone about some things. Kelsey is so in her head, that everything that does not revolve around her, what she wants to do, where her mind is at the moment, makes her upset. Apparently, this is a typical thing for children like Kelsey. So, what have I been doing all these year? I have been bending over backwards to help eliminate these episodes, and guess where it has gotten us? At some point, I need to say, we need to get ready, leave this house, and I expect you to be ready in 1 hour, with out a crying episode.
Kelsey says she longs for a simple life, as long as we don't get bored. haha. We have a pretty simple life, the only way to make it simpler is to not make her do school work, or ever get out of bed. We will let her hair dred, and never clean. Oddly enough, she wants chickens, and an entire farm to take care of, I guess as long as mother does everything.
I am exhausted.
I suddenly am really questioning how I run this house. I never stuck to a strict schedule, as Kelsey's moods and such change all the time. But, I wonder if I need to create and stick to some sort of type plan/ Because whatever I am doing, is not working. I can do this better.
After this episode, I went to pick up Maddy, and I actually got out of the car and socialized. Amazing! I surrounded myself with other moms that were still having little ones, and I talked, although I still feel pretty pathetic in my attempts to do this.
btw, I just put school work on hold, again, to let the kids play with the hose outside. It is too nice, and Kelsey's mood has changed dramatically. See, can't schedule at all! I think I'll go take a photo and draw with baby on the sidewalk!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Using Lids
This project not only saved lids from a landfill, but didn't cost me one cent! I firmly believe you can be an artist, and live a creative life, and spend very little, and re-use, re-purpose, recycle to create unique, meaningful, pieces of art. The cloth used is torn old baby clothes. Punched butterflies are from Starbucks coffee sleeves, and a couple beer bottle caps I found laying around... this would be from Papa Bear! Also used stamps, ink, gesso, and cheap acrylic craft paints.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
She has Aspergers.
I've known for some time now. When I said these words to myself, I cried. I did not cry out of sorrow for my daughter having this syndrome, or because I was now a mother to a daughter with this syndrome.... I think I cried because all the denial, and all the heartache came together and said your most amazing daughter is really not ok. She needs help. Your eyes are now open, and it is time to begin helping her. Her life is in your hands, and only you can guide her, love her, and help her grow with this, so she can someday function. Your daughter does have severe anxiety. Your daughter will not get out of her bubble of dragons to play with other children. Your daughter does show signs of depression. You daughter is growing up, but cries everyday, often multiple time per day. Your daughter cannot ride a bike, use a knife, or even hold a fork properly, or even run with a "normal" gait. She is quirky, extremely intelligent, but introverted. She is clumsy and still spills everything. She prefers the dark, and cannot stand loud noises (sometimes). She will eat her hair, pick her nails, shake her hands, or bite her fingers constantly to deal with life. ...And she is outstanding.
Kelsey is 10 now, and struggles everyday, as I struggle everyday to give her a great life. She wears me down, but fills me up with so much joy, love, laughter, intelligence, and goodness. She is growing up, and these things are changing. The days of constant fear seem to have gone. She does not ask if the stove is off a million times before bed, as she did for years straight. She does not fear tornados and any strong wind that may bring tornados, even though tornados are not too common in Denver. Ah, we can leave the house, and she is ok! She is starting to talk about other things, but still draws dragons and writes pages and pages of dragon tales almost daily. Her obsessions are growing into more compassionate ones, but this leads to great heartache, heartache that a 10 year old should not have to endure.
My love cannot be far from me. If she is, she is closed. She may appear out of it, in another world, depressed, but she is just dealing with being away from the nest. She still pleads with me to let her sleep with me. She holds on tight, and I never want to let her go, but I fear her never being able to function on her own. I don't know our balance, I only want to hold my baby and tell her I will protect her always. But, even when I say this, holding her near, something happens, and she is set off, and I don't know what it is. Her sadness gets strong. She cries. She cries a lot. Sometimes, it seems, for days. And then life is good again.
I took Kelsey out of school last November. It was too much. Bringing her home to school has been a great decision. I know this doesn't help her social skills, but it helps her life. Life is simpler. There is much less stress, more time to breathe. Kelsey does well with this. She spends the days with me and the babe, obviously schooling, but also at the dog park, taking walks, out back with baby, reading and being. We don't do too much, as it is just too much. She has grown into an extraordinary big sister to baby sister, but nothing much has changed between her and Madison. Ha, of course, they are 20 months apart after all! She has grown so much by helping me daily. I am surprised and proud at her transformation at home, but always aware we have so far to go.
Kelsey Lin, my heart, I love you completely.
Kelsey is 10 now, and struggles everyday, as I struggle everyday to give her a great life. She wears me down, but fills me up with so much joy, love, laughter, intelligence, and goodness. She is growing up, and these things are changing. The days of constant fear seem to have gone. She does not ask if the stove is off a million times before bed, as she did for years straight. She does not fear tornados and any strong wind that may bring tornados, even though tornados are not too common in Denver. Ah, we can leave the house, and she is ok! She is starting to talk about other things, but still draws dragons and writes pages and pages of dragon tales almost daily. Her obsessions are growing into more compassionate ones, but this leads to great heartache, heartache that a 10 year old should not have to endure.
My love cannot be far from me. If she is, she is closed. She may appear out of it, in another world, depressed, but she is just dealing with being away from the nest. She still pleads with me to let her sleep with me. She holds on tight, and I never want to let her go, but I fear her never being able to function on her own. I don't know our balance, I only want to hold my baby and tell her I will protect her always. But, even when I say this, holding her near, something happens, and she is set off, and I don't know what it is. Her sadness gets strong. She cries. She cries a lot. Sometimes, it seems, for days. And then life is good again.
I took Kelsey out of school last November. It was too much. Bringing her home to school has been a great decision. I know this doesn't help her social skills, but it helps her life. Life is simpler. There is much less stress, more time to breathe. Kelsey does well with this. She spends the days with me and the babe, obviously schooling, but also at the dog park, taking walks, out back with baby, reading and being. We don't do too much, as it is just too much. She has grown into an extraordinary big sister to baby sister, but nothing much has changed between her and Madison. Ha, of course, they are 20 months apart after all! She has grown so much by helping me daily. I am surprised and proud at her transformation at home, but always aware we have so far to go.
Kelsey Lin, my heart, I love you completely.
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