an Aspergers type of day. again.

Despite the sunshine, and the fact that I put on real clothes and make-up, straightened my bangs and all!!!, it has been a hard day.  I went to my neighbors mom/church gathering at her home.  It was centered around mothering, and lots and lots of little ones everywhere.  Amazing, wonderful, moms drinking decaf coffee and eating yummy little snacks. (I drank real coffee, with lots and lots of caffeine!) I was excited to get out, even just to go to the next door over!!!  haha, kinda sad!, and talk and maybe pick up a trick or two. Wow, do I ever feel like a looser.  Geez.  I am so not functioning compared to these women, it is just sad.  So, I listened a lot, and didn't talk (amazing!) and I tried to take in some things that I can do to help me in the home.  I left early, had to pick up M, and I walked in and Kelsey was in complete melt down after I said one simple thing.  Oh my, I just came out of the house of so together women, juggling all these kids, and they all looked great, and SLAM, my reality set in, and no wonder I struggle so hard.  I explained to Kelsey, while trying to quickly change a boom boom and run to get Maddy, what I expected from her today.  She needs to catch up on her school work, and I need help around the house.  We need to all work together and get our home together, and our work done.  I know I just said that twice, but mothering Kelsey, I repeat a lot!  Kelsey, couldn't handle this I guess, and we are back to tears.  And more tears, and life is suddenly hard, and I don't know why.  Why?

I had a LONG talk with a developmental Dr. man the other night.  We are not working with him, but he took an hour to talk to me on the phone about some things.  Kelsey is so in her head, that everything that does not revolve around her, what she wants to do, where her mind is at the moment, makes her upset.  Apparently, this is a typical thing for children like Kelsey.  So, what have I been doing all these year?  I have been bending over backwards to help eliminate these episodes, and guess where it has gotten us?  At some point, I need to say, we need to get ready, leave this house, and I expect you to be ready in 1 hour, with out a crying episode.

Kelsey says she longs for a simple life, as long as we don't get bored. haha.  We have a pretty simple life, the only way to make it simpler is to not make her do school work, or ever get out of bed.  We will let her hair dred, and never clean.  Oddly enough, she wants chickens, and an entire farm to take care of, I guess as long as mother does everything.

I am exhausted.

I suddenly am really questioning how I run this house.  I never stuck to a strict schedule, as Kelsey's moods and such change all the time. But, I wonder if I need to create and stick to some sort of type plan/ Because whatever I am doing, is not working. I can do this better.

After this episode, I went to pick up Maddy, and I actually got out of the car and socialized. Amazing!  I surrounded myself with other moms that were still having little ones, and I talked, although I still feel pretty pathetic in my attempts to do this.

btw, I just put school work on hold, again, to let the kids play with the hose outside.  It is too nice, and Kelsey's mood has changed dramatically. See, can't schedule at all!  I think I'll go take a photo and draw with baby on the sidewalk!

She has Aspergers.

I've known for some time now. When I said these words to myself, I cried.  I did not cry out of sorrow for my daughter having this syndrome, or because I was now a mother to a daughter with this syndrome.... I think I cried because  all the denial, and all the heartache came together and said your most amazing daughter is really not ok.  She needs help.  Your eyes are now open, and it is time to begin helping her.  Her life is in your hands, and only you can guide her, love her, and help her grow with this, so she can someday function.  Your daughter does have severe anxiety.  Your daughter will not get out of her bubble of dragons to play with other children.  Your daughter does show signs of depression.  You daughter is growing up, but cries everyday, often multiple time per day.  Your daughter cannot ride a bike, use a knife, or even hold a fork properly, or even run with a "normal" gait.  She is quirky, extremely intelligent, but introverted. She is clumsy and still spills everything. She prefers the dark, and cannot stand loud noises (sometimes). She will eat her hair, pick her nails, shake her hands, or bite her fingers constantly to deal with life.  ...And she is outstanding.

Kelsey is 10 now, and struggles everyday, as I struggle everyday to give her a great life.  She wears me down, but fills me up with so much joy, love, laughter, intelligence, and goodness. She is growing up, and these things are changing.  The days of constant fear seem to have gone.  She does not ask if the stove is off a million times before bed, as she did for years straight.  She does not fear tornados and any strong wind that may bring tornados, even though tornados are not too common in Denver.  Ah, we can leave the house, and she is ok!  She is starting to talk about other things, but still draws dragons and writes pages and pages of dragon tales almost daily.  Her obsessions are growing into more compassionate ones, but this leads to great heartache, heartache that a 10 year old should not have to endure.

My love cannot be far from me. If she is, she is closed. She may appear out of it, in another world, depressed, but she is just dealing with being away from the nest.  She still pleads with me to let her sleep with me.  She holds on tight, and I never want to let her go, but I fear her never being able to function on her own.  I don't know our balance, I only want to hold my baby and tell her I will protect her always.  But, even when I say this, holding her near, something happens, and she is set off, and I don't know what it is.  Her sadness gets strong. She cries. She cries a lot.  Sometimes, it seems, for days.  And then life is good again.

I took Kelsey out of school last November.  It was too much.  Bringing her home to school has been a great decision.  I know this doesn't help her social skills, but it helps her life.  Life is simpler.  There is much less stress, more time to breathe.  Kelsey does well with this.  She spends the days with me and the babe, obviously schooling, but also at the dog park, taking walks, out back with baby, reading and being.  We don't do too much, as it is just too much. She has grown into an extraordinary big sister to baby sister, but nothing much has changed between her and Madison.  Ha, of course, they are 20 months apart after all!  She has grown so much by helping me daily. I am surprised and proud at her transformation at home, but always aware we have so far to go.

Kelsey Lin, my heart, I love you completely.

My thoughts today.

To begin, it is a gorgeous sunny Denver springy day.  It only took forever to get us all ready and out the door, of course.  Hot coffee in hand, and Kelsey did not drink all my vanilla soy milk, and we are at the dog park,  and it was perfect.  Paige was talking to all the Labs and offering them my coffee!  She said, doggie, want coffee?  Then I looked around and saw the most amazing thing.  This may mean nothing to most people, but to those with children with special needs, or Aspergers specifically, you may understand.  Kelsey was in the small dog area playing with the dogs, and somewhat socializing with the adults!!!, and then I saw her open the gate for an older lady with three dogs.  She stood there, a little shy and Kelsey-like, but she kept that gate open until this lady was all the way inside.  I cannot describe how I felt.  One, oh my, she is doing it.  She is growing up and getting it.  Two, she was thinking of a stranger, instead of cowering away.  I just cannot really express how I am feeling.   Later on, Bella was being a naughty sort of youngling, that she is, and Kelsey went over to try to help the situation.  This was hard for her.  Kelsey pulls back and doesn't understand how to just go in and do something.  But she was really trying.  Really trying!!!  The list just went on and on.  Growing up.  Acting helpful.  I know she struggles, but today, sun bright, my Kelsey shined!

unfortunately, the rest of the day did not go so well.  breathe.

We went home for lunch, and smoothies.  Paige ate at her kitchen on our torn apart deck.

Kelsey enjoyed the sun, but didn't enjoy me taking pictures!

Time for homeschool and nap, and everything else that awaits us today!

And let me introduce on more time, a very naughty little lad.  Bella!

I finished her, and some LOVE letters! (And a Friday Flashback, a wee bit early!)

she is very pretty.  she is a star.  she believes in herself.  she loves who she is.  she doesn't try to be anyone else.  be you.

I am giving another workshop this weekend.  A good good friend of mine, who looks very much like this pretty girl above, is hosting it for me in her house. I just show up, bring my messy necessities, and have some fun!  I am pretty excited, and it takes away a lot of work on my part, which I don't have energy for!!!

So, I have been working on Valentines stuff, which is fun, but not really my thing.  I rarely make anything that is holiday related.  But LOVE!  Love is everywhere.  My entire life is based on these four little letters.  So, no time wasted.  I can create all day and night about love, because that is ultimately what I do anyhow!  

I may not get anytime to do this later, so I am adding it now.  I have found this GREAT blog that I am in LOVE with.  It is http://christopherandtia.blogspot.com and every Friday she hosts a linky thingy about flashbacks.  Sound fun to me!!!  But I never know when babe, and daughter, and daughter will let me be and do this, so I do it now, with todays post.  Her flashbacks are great, and I have no time to compete with the best.  I must say this here and now, because her blog is comment free, that I LOVE YOU Tia!!!  I can't take my eyes away from your family stories and fun narratives.  I love your style.  I love the parent you try to be.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  There are those four crazy letters again!

so, here is my flashback for this week.  I am linking it to her blog here!!! and my story is below.

I don't know why I was drawn to these, but the story is bittersweet to me.  This is, (if you know me) obviously, before Paige.  In fact, this little outing to Chipotles with Grandpa, was right after my horrible horrible, in the hospital twice, lost so much blood I fainted and threw up on the way to the ER, miscarriage.  Ugh, it was ugly.  UGLY.  I now know the feeling of waking up with four people lifting me onto a hospital bed (insert awful details here about being naked and too much blood), and not really knowing if I was ok or not.  I was white as a ghost, and had a pretty bad month of trying to miscarry this 14 week old baby.  A long day in the ER trying to stop my bleeding, and my mom jumped on a plane as fast as she could and was in Denver to help take care of me and my children.  (Now I need to add that she didn't have to do this.  We were fine, but WOW!  I felt so loved and cared for.  I cannot express!)

So a couple days in bed and I was feeling good, but a little traumatized, I must say.  My mom stayed a week and one fine spring Denver day, I got my butt out of that bed and decided to move on.  We stopped for lunch, and point in shoot in bag, I just started taking pics of my girls.  My lovely, healthy, girls, whom I adore the most.   Aren't they cute?  Man, this was 2 1/2 years ago.  They have grown into big older girls.  So different.  And of course, we now have Paige.  Paige, the cutest, naughtiest, smartest baby in the land.  I often feel it may be this babe that causes my death.  If I can survive her toddler years, I can do anything!

My oldest Babe.

She struggles each day.  Sunday was particularly hard.  She wore my old hat down low over her face.  She questioned why she feels this way?  How does her sister do it?  Why can't she?  Again and again, my heart breaks.  But right now, she is having a better day.

Right now.

Right when I think, I don't want to hold anymore.  This small child in my lap, molds completely into me.

I was resisting, so tired.  Warn from this all day.

But now, I give in, and she looks at me and smiles.

She lays her head against my chest, and we are both so happy.

Why do I tire of this?  There is nothing sweeter.

Look at her toes curl.  Feel her soft round cheeks.  Her breath.  Her smell.

Sit with her and relax.  Do nothing, as nothing is so important as this.

This moment is why I live.

Don't forget this.  Must not forget.

Mothering, an Art

My mind is always so consumed with doing what's right for my children, and they all seem to have a different "right".  I feel full and blessed, and full and overwhelmed.  I mother from my heart, but my heart is not always patient.

My oldest is an Aspergers girl.  Label aside, she is the most extraordinary child, and the most mentally difficult child.  This struggle for me comes from wanting everything to be easy and good in her world.  I strive to raise my girls to grow up with confidence and ability, but for my Kelsey, this is not the case.  Confident, yes, but able, no.  So what do I do?  And how to I spread myself around? ...My heart constantly bleeds for my child.  Will she ever be able to leave me and be ok?  Will the world know how incredibly, absurdly awesome she is?

My second daughter is completely the opposite, but extremely demanding, as she seeks out attention at all cost. She is so able, yet so needy.  Certainly, she is needy because she is so able.  I must fit her in.  I must fit her in.  I must always work to fit her in.  ...Madison is able to make everyone melt with her general excitement for everything, her huge smile, and her flirty manner.  However, with this excitement comes an extreme hyper demeanor, and huge mood swings.  Oh me, I don't think I will survive the teen years with this beauty.

Daughter three turned me upside down.  I had no way to prepare myself for the babe that will not leave my side, ever.  She lets me breathe, only because she needs me to live!  This child, is spunky, extremely intelligent, capable, and demanding more that the older two put together.  At 19 months, I still cannot leave, ever.  Going upstairs to use the bathroom is the biggest feat and she screams, chases me, and yells Mama, no Mama!  Her cuteness and general manipulation astounds me, for as I am about to pull out all my hair, she does the funniest things, whips out a new sentence, or goes to her sisters asking for cuddles and kisses.  How does this babe tear me apart so?  And how is she so able to keep me together, all at the same time?

photo from a year ago. Little babe doesn't look like this anymore!  And she doesn't stay so still anymore!

Fitting the demands if these three together is a struggle, but I am slowly figuring it out.  My fear is not taking care of myself, and thus, not being able to take care of them.   And in doing so, I have seriously, become a little hermit.  I'm ok with this right now.  It is how I survive.  I need it.  Getting out once a week is fine with me.  I know many don't understand this in me.  I am, after all, quite social.  But somehow, staying in, not making life more hectic, is getting me by.  It allows me to exercise and work on art, which has become my therapy, my me time (even if I am surrounded by babes while working), and in essence has become my work.  I have visions for the future, and aside from my family, it all has to do with art.  For the first time in my life, at 34 years here, I know now what I want to live for. Blending these two loves together, and surviving in the process, allows me to live.  I can't fit it all in right now, and I am ok with this.  I have to let some things go, in order to get through this time.

What now?

my head is aching.  I get so tired.  A gaggle of girls keeps me from me.  I want to work, but I am so drained.  I know I can do this. I can.  Then we had another babe, and upside down I turned.  Oh, but love. Where is my balance?  Maybe I have actually found it, but must stop comparing myself to others.  My life is my life.  I am the mother I aspire to be.  I am with my children. Always.  But, still, I feel low at times. Breathe.  Sleep.

I'll keep me.

On an outing to The Children's museum, I was stuck with fashionable moms and little ones everywhere.  I felt oddly out, but then I saw myself in the mirror, and really liked today's look.  Hmm, thought I, I must just really like me!  I must admit, some of those little girls looked pretty cute, but I guess I am just not today, in today's fashion world.  I guess we will just have to be, as we should be.

This almost makes me want to start a dress as art post.  Almost.  Perhaps in the spring!

Resolution?  Loving me!

and since I messed up and linked my resolution for my children to this post... I resolve to let my kids be kids.  I will give in and let go, because keeping it all in makes me a frustrated and tired mother.  And I am a firm believer that children must make mess to learn, and this mess makes childhood even grander!

I linked up here!  I messed up with the linky deal. Sorry.  I am in great need of sleep tonight!