Thursday, March 10, 2011

an Aspergers type of day. again.

Despite the sunshine, and the fact that I put on real clothes and make-up, straightened my bangs and all!!!, it has been a hard day.  I went to my neighbors mom/church gathering at her home.  It was centered around mothering, and lots and lots of little ones everywhere.  Amazing, wonderful, moms drinking decaf coffee and eating yummy little snacks. (I drank real coffee, with lots and lots of caffeine!) I was excited to get out, even just to go to the next door over!!!  haha, kinda sad!, and talk and maybe pick up a trick or two. Wow, do I ever feel like a looser.  Geez.  I am so not functioning compared to these women, it is just sad.  So, I listened a lot, and didn't talk (amazing!) and I tried to take in some things that I can do to help me in the home.  I left early, had to pick up M, and I walked in and Kelsey was in complete melt down after I said one simple thing.  Oh my, I just came out of the house of so together women, juggling all these kids, and they all looked great, and SLAM, my reality set in, and no wonder I struggle so hard.  I explained to Kelsey, while trying to quickly change a boom boom and run to get Maddy, what I expected from her today.  She needs to catch up on her school work, and I need help around the house.  We need to all work together and get our home together, and our work done.  I know I just said that twice, but mothering Kelsey, I repeat a lot!  Kelsey, couldn't handle this I guess, and we are back to tears.  And more tears, and life is suddenly hard, and I don't know why.  Why?

I had a LONG talk with a developmental Dr. man the other night.  We are not working with him, but he took an hour to talk to me on the phone about some things.  Kelsey is so in her head, that everything that does not revolve around her, what she wants to do, where her mind is at the moment, makes her upset.  Apparently, this is a typical thing for children like Kelsey.  So, what have I been doing all these year?  I have been bending over backwards to help eliminate these episodes, and guess where it has gotten us?  At some point, I need to say, we need to get ready, leave this house, and I expect you to be ready in 1 hour, with out a crying episode.

Kelsey says she longs for a simple life, as long as we don't get bored. haha.  We have a pretty simple life, the only way to make it simpler is to not make her do school work, or ever get out of bed.  We will let her hair dred, and never clean.  Oddly enough, she wants chickens, and an entire farm to take care of, I guess as long as mother does everything.

I am exhausted.

I suddenly am really questioning how I run this house.  I never stuck to a strict schedule, as Kelsey's moods and such change all the time. But, I wonder if I need to create and stick to some sort of type plan/ Because whatever I am doing, is not working. I can do this better.

After this episode, I went to pick up Maddy, and I actually got out of the car and socialized. Amazing!  I surrounded myself with other moms that were still having little ones, and I talked, although I still feel pretty pathetic in my attempts to do this.

btw, I just put school work on hold, again, to let the kids play with the hose outside.  It is too nice, and Kelsey's mood has changed dramatically. See, can't schedule at all!  I think I'll go take a photo and draw with baby on the sidewalk!


  1. we are having a very aspie day here as well. it seems like she can deal with almost anything at home, as long as i don't expect her to do schoolwork or chores. hmm... i guess that means she's mostly fine as long as i leave her totally alone & let her play on her own and do only the things she loves. i'm reading this while listening to her cry about having to learn cursive & huff and puff because she's got to clean the cat's litter box. my gosh, it's so freakin exhausting! no wonder we don't go out or socialize much!

  2. you know, I was feeling pretty accomplished today too. Hair, make-up and out of my sweats! Seriously, good day. Sun shining. But it was such an emotionally exhausting day. Some days she is on with school, but never ever chores. But I agree, if we didn't have cleaning and school work, life would be so grand. I really feel I need more help, and now we are just waiting for more money. great!!!! I think my goal tomorrow is the library. And then, somehow fitting reading into my life! I have never committed to much reading, as it took so long to know exactly what she had. I always focused my reading and helping on anxiety, but now I know, so I think some good self help will be a good start until we are rich!

    Thanks for always supporting me. I obviously need it these days!

  3. I'm sorry you had a bad day :( I struggle with my 8 year old son who needs special ed in school, he just does not want to focus, like ever! (well seems like ever at times to me anyway) We struggle with homework & just about everything in his daily life...but as I'm sure you can attest that it is all worth it. We pull our hair out one minute & next thing you know we've got our camera's pulled out to take a picture of a moment that's just to precious to let slide by... Sometimes I have to remind myself that it's the struggles that we have to endure that makes us stronger. ((hugs))

  4. oh, you are sooo very right. I seriously struggle, but I couldn't ask for a more amazing daughter.

    Thank you for this comment! :)

  5. My heart hurts for you to be going through this. I don't think I ever realized the extent of your struggles. I'm so sorry and please know you can and should reach out to me in any way you need, whether it be babysitting (hey, we can try!) or someone to make you dinners, or an ear to talk to. Please let me know what I can do to help!!

  6. Thank you dearest Kristi, mother of Matteo, future in law extraordinare!

  7. one day at a time one hour at a time one minute at a time..hoping tomorrow is a better day for you


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