I was then angry at how hard it is sometimes to get Kelsey to function. I am talking real anger. I thought my head was going to rip at some seam, and my screams would shake our house. Angry.
Last night, watching Parenthood, I got angry. When Adam yelled at Max, I thought good. Max needs to see how absurd he acts. My daughter has AS and she gets it, because I cannot sugar coat everything and have us all live in denial. Then Max asked his dad if he was angry at him having Aspergers. No, of course not. But the sad thing is, I was like YES! I am angry that you have Aspergers. I am not mad at you necessarily, but I am mad at it all. Why do we have to struggle like this? Why can't you just get it? WHY? WHY? WHY?
When our morning school struggles hit, and Kelsey's nasty mess of a room and bathroom, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to scream I am so angry at this. I hate that you are like this. I hate it. ...but I love you. Completely. I love you, but why??? and why? and why?
I didn't say this to her. I was thinking it, while my head nearly ripped apart.
I wanted Adam to say this too. I want to feel ok for these feelings. But Parenthood is a tv show, and I am living with it for real. And my daughter will always struggle.
Then the baby poured milk all over the table and all over the floor and all over the bench. And I went from angry, to pissed.
It was not a fun morning.
and then I calmed down. I know baby is sick and she is crabby and 2 year olds left will indeed find a bowl of milk, that Kelsey did not put away, and will spill it everywhere for fun. Of course they will.
The rest of the day got better. It always does.
I made these a few years ago. They were my second and third published pages. I love them as they really reflect the mothering struggles and joys I felt, all within a 24 hour period. I wish I had time to make some pieces now. I know it would help. But I don't have the luxury of time, and that also, makes me very angry.