Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Anger

I woke up angry.  Angry I don't get enough sleep.  Angry that I have to homeschool.  Angry that babe is nearly 2 and loud and full of her own anger.  Angry.

I was then angry at how hard it is sometimes to get Kelsey to function.  I am talking real anger.  I thought my head was going to rip at some seam, and my screams would shake our house.  Angry.

Last night, watching Parenthood, I got angry.  When Adam yelled at Max, I thought good. Max needs to see how absurd he acts.  My daughter has AS and she gets it, because I cannot sugar coat everything and have us all live in denial.  Then Max asked his dad if he was angry at him having Aspergers.  No, of course not.  But the sad thing is, I was like YES!  I am angry that you have Aspergers.  I am not mad at you necessarily, but I am mad at it all.  Why do we have to struggle like this? Why can't you just get it?  WHY? WHY? WHY?

When our morning school struggles hit, and Kelsey's nasty mess of a room and bathroom, I just couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to scream I am so angry at this.  I hate that you are like this.  I hate it.  ...but I love you.  Completely.  I love you, but why??? and why? and why?

I didn't say this to her.  I was thinking it, while my head nearly ripped apart.

I wanted Adam to say this too.  I want to feel ok for these feelings.  But Parenthood is a tv show, and I am living with it for real.  And my daughter will always struggle.

Then the baby poured milk all over the table and all over the floor and all over the bench.  And I went from angry, to pissed.

It was not a fun morning.

and then I calmed down.  I know baby is sick and she is crabby and 2 year olds left will indeed find a bowl of milk, that Kelsey did not put away, and will spill it everywhere for fun.  Of course they will.

The rest of the day got better.  It always does.


I made these a few years ago.  They were my second and third published pages.  I love them as they really reflect the mothering struggles and joys I felt, all within a 24 hour period. I wish I had time to make some pieces now.  I know it would help.  But I don't have the luxury of time, and that also, makes me very angry.  



9 comments:

  1. OH, I hear you. I hear you, I feel you, I get you. Did you just take a page out of my brain and put it in print? I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don't know why things have to be so hard either. I swear it's not that hard for everyone. I think.

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  2. wow...yes..i get it...for different reasons though, as you know , but yeah...in my world i also add...NOT FAIR, WHY ME?, and sometimes jealous and envious of those who don't experience any major difficulty in their life, and for a moment, just a moment, wish it happened to them for just 5 minutes, that's all it would take, just so the others can get what its like!!!!wow..i have never ever said that before!!!i feel guilty, but i really do think it at times...does that make me a bad person???life is a struggle for some and a wonderful ride for others...not fair!!!i scream as MY head nearly rips open too...but, there is always JOY...whether it is a struggle or a wonderful ride...does my rambling make sense???
    sending cyber hugs across the sea...xxx

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  3. Mandy, you're so right about the envy felt for people who don't have "major difficulty" in their lives. And it's also true that if they had five minutes of it, there'd be a lot more empathy in the world. Every day, we just have to pick ourselves up and try again.

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  4. thank you two for understanding. I know you do. I guess I took a chance by putting it all out there, but that is what my blog is for really! I do feel guilt also, but I think it is a natural and ok thing to feel this way sometimes.

    Karen, some people have it so much easier. I see it, and sometimes it seems people wonder why I don't have it together. I have a husband ALWAYS gone, and three high needs children. But, I will prevail! ha, I love saying that!

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  5. even parents whose children do not have AS feel angry. And, if they tell you that they don't they are either lying or in denial.
    It will get easier...but it will take years. In the mean time there will be good days and bad days. it helps to know that even those who look like they have it easy just have different demons.
    I loved the honesty in your post. it has never sat well with me that as mother's we lie to each other and isolate ourselves by pretending that we are never angry or that things are always perfect.

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  6. Life isn't fair. It really isn't. Those that deserve a perfect life never get one. I can't understand why we each have to struggle, each with our own issues. It's just not fair. We know this, but it doesn't always make it better. You have to release the anger or else wind up even worse off down the road. Serenity now doesn't quite work, does it? :P If only.
    My way of turning my perspective around is to imagine worse things, that helps me focus on the positive aspects of my life. I know that may not help you in the moment, but it always brings me back to see the good that I have.
    Prevail you shall~

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  7. oh my gosh, i've got tears running down my face from this post & the comments. there are days or parts of days when i'm pissed too. when i yell at brooke when she's rocking or panting over a portion of schoolwork that i know she can do, but she'd rather panic instead. and then it's worse and i feel guilty, but damn it, why won't she just do it without the freakin drama? knowing she can't help some of it doesn't make it easier it just feels frustrating and unfair. sometimes people tell me that they don't think brooke has AS, but then they'll witness a "scene" and i see the look on their face & i feel vindicated. like they finally see that i'm not making things up or exagerating or trying to play victim-mommy.
    i'm so glad that i have some blogging friends who get it. and i totally relate when you say that you're mad that you're homeschooling some days. cuz hell to the yeah, i'm mad about it too. i need a break! some slack! a NAP!

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  8. yup. Sherilin well knows how much ranting and whining I do. That's why some of my inlaws found my blog recently and were surprised. I'd like to drop the kids off with said inlaws for a long weekend, and see what they think afterward. This particular member of the family, I'm willing to guess, probably doesn't think Jack is on the spectrum. I'll bet he believes he just needs some firm rules and discipline. Idiot.

    Honesty is beauty, really, but as with anything, if I just rant all the time it becomes simply tedious. That's why I have to force myself --and you girls prob. do this to--to find the good.

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  9. I love sparking emotion! Thanks my lady friends!

    This whole week has been rather dark for me. I struggled a lot, and had a very short temper. The children were HARD this week, the house a mess, and my husband not to be seen! (But no dissing the hubs, that man is working hard too!)

    Luckily, I think I have found a peaceful place this evening. Let's hope I can stay there.

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Hey you!!!