My oldest Babe.

She struggles each day.  Sunday was particularly hard.  She wore my old hat down low over her face.  She questioned why she feels this way?  How does her sister do it?  Why can't she?  Again and again, my heart breaks.  But right now, she is having a better day.

May 15th

After my last pregnancy, and the birth of my most demanding babe, I have most certainly stopped taking care of myself.  I haven't lost my pregnancy weight, which came off quickly with the first two, I haven't spent time on my appearance, and I have not spent any time on my health.  I put health, fitness, and general well being up there with great parenting, and this new year I made a promise to myself to get myself back.  Motivated, yes, but struggling too.   My family places huge time commands on me, and babe doesn't let me out of her sight.  Husband has trouble watching her, and she is madly in love with him.  However, I made this commitment to myself, and I will keep it.  So, I made a new goal.  I have signed up to run a  1/2 marathon on May 15th, and what a challenge this will be.  I cannot yet run a mile without stopping.  I am 20 pounds heavier than usual.  It has been nearly 2 1/2 years since I have been fit.  Wow. Long time for me.

So, here I am, telling the world (I already posted on FB and told my mom!) that I am doing it!  Yes, indeed I am!

This week, and a flashback!

Week 4 and didn't do much.  Homeschool, parks, just doing.  Nothing spectacular, however I did get a few moments that I will cherish.  The first and best moment of the week was this.

I posted this one earlier in the week, and I just love how it turned out edited.  This is my table, as I am eager to work on some new projects.

(that photo of us was a few years ago.  I don't look so great these days.  Boo.)

maybe because of this!  oh, heaven, it's back!

and some quiet moments.

linky Here!

and and here!

A day late, but I think I will start adding a flashback photo to this Saturday week of photo thing I am doing.   Why not?

I was playing like crazy with these in PS, but am just stumped as to what to do.  I actually love these.  I played with color and added texture, then erased texture etc...  Still not sure what I want.  All editing woes aside, look at that chunk of loving!  ah, joy.

linking my flashback Here!!!

My table

...looks like this!  And this makes me very happy!  Not so certain where we will all eat tonight...

I am ever so slowly working on a present for the hubs, workshop material (ah, only a week left!) and some new submissions.

It all started at in the wee hours of the morning, before Sun made his appearance.  Oh woe is me, this babe gets up early.  I have now had four hours of sleep, as I, of course, couldn't fall asleep until 2.  This has to change.  (I did force myself to stay awake during nap time, because I must start sleeping like a regular human being!)  So, on with my morning tale.  I had an idea of what I was starting, and I gathered some materials and I found... brail paper!  Oh, yes!  So, out with some chalk, and babe and I made a chalky mess together!  My mess stayed to the paper, hers...well...everywhere.  I don't care, it is too early to care!  And there you see, the beautiful paper, under the photos!  oh, I cannot wait to tear into this!

Blog effort

This may seem silly, but I have been making the transition to this new blog, for myself, and I just haven't been happy with the look.  So, here I am, trying to remember now on earth I set up my old blog, because I love it's simple look, yet altered HTML numbers!  Oh, how I love a wide blog with large photos!  So, I must not stay up all night figuring this out, as I do have three chick-a-dees needing me way too early in the morn.  Let's hope I can figure this all out, before I make myself insane, and I do stay up, or stop mothering, and all three!

Joking!

So, all said, please don't judge my blog in it's altered, non polished, state!  It will get there.  Just may take me a few days!

And because I just cannot post without a photo, here is one of some cupcake liners, you know the ones in between the foil ones, that I sprayed and stenciled.  Oh, spray love!

Right now.

Right when I think, I don't want to hold anymore.  This small child in my lap, molds completely into me.

I was resisting, so tired.  Warn from this all day.

But now, I give in, and she looks at me and smiles.

She lays her head against my chest, and we are both so happy.

Why do I tire of this?  There is nothing sweeter.

Look at her toes curl.  Feel her soft round cheeks.  Her breath.  Her smell.

Sit with her and relax.  Do nothing, as nothing is so important as this.

This moment is why I live.

Don't forget this.  Must not forget.

Mothering, an Art

My mind is always so consumed with doing what's right for my children, and they all seem to have a different "right".  I feel full and blessed, and full and overwhelmed.  I mother from my heart, but my heart is not always patient.

My oldest is an Aspergers girl.  Label aside, she is the most extraordinary child, and the most mentally difficult child.  This struggle for me comes from wanting everything to be easy and good in her world.  I strive to raise my girls to grow up with confidence and ability, but for my Kelsey, this is not the case.  Confident, yes, but able, no.  So what do I do?  And how to I spread myself around? ...My heart constantly bleeds for my child.  Will she ever be able to leave me and be ok?  Will the world know how incredibly, absurdly awesome she is?

My second daughter is completely the opposite, but extremely demanding, as she seeks out attention at all cost. She is so able, yet so needy.  Certainly, she is needy because she is so able.  I must fit her in.  I must fit her in.  I must always work to fit her in.  ...Madison is able to make everyone melt with her general excitement for everything, her huge smile, and her flirty manner.  However, with this excitement comes an extreme hyper demeanor, and huge mood swings.  Oh me, I don't think I will survive the teen years with this beauty.

Daughter three turned me upside down.  I had no way to prepare myself for the babe that will not leave my side, ever.  She lets me breathe, only because she needs me to live!  This child, is spunky, extremely intelligent, capable, and demanding more that the older two put together.  At 19 months, I still cannot leave, ever.  Going upstairs to use the bathroom is the biggest feat and she screams, chases me, and yells Mama, no Mama!  Her cuteness and general manipulation astounds me, for as I am about to pull out all my hair, she does the funniest things, whips out a new sentence, or goes to her sisters asking for cuddles and kisses.  How does this babe tear me apart so?  And how is she so able to keep me together, all at the same time?

photo from a year ago. Little babe doesn't look like this anymore!  And she doesn't stay so still anymore!

Fitting the demands if these three together is a struggle, but I am slowly figuring it out.  My fear is not taking care of myself, and thus, not being able to take care of them.   And in doing so, I have seriously, become a little hermit.  I'm ok with this right now.  It is how I survive.  I need it.  Getting out once a week is fine with me.  I know many don't understand this in me.  I am, after all, quite social.  But somehow, staying in, not making life more hectic, is getting me by.  It allows me to exercise and work on art, which has become my therapy, my me time (even if I am surrounded by babes while working), and in essence has become my work.  I have visions for the future, and aside from my family, it all has to do with art.  For the first time in my life, at 34 years here, I know now what I want to live for. Blending these two loves together, and surviving in the process, allows me to live.  I can't fit it all in right now, and I am ok with this.  I have to let some things go, in order to get through this time.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

This is my first time, and being that today is Sunday, cold, gloomy, and babe and I were up half the night, I am doing this my way, and just scavenging my old photos to fit the themes.

First off, memories.

 This is a handmade scrapbook I made of our camping trip a few years ago. This is also the book featured in Somerset Memories.  I love the feel of this book. Oh, texture.

Silhouette.

I took this photo 5 years ago.  This is Kelsey in the ocean off the Oregon coast.  This was an incredible day.

Doorway.

 This is a doorway at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Can you see the Hogwarts Expresss through the doorway?  I don't know how to get rid of that horrible black garbage can in the lower corner.  Plus, I think this could be a fun photo to edit and play with some more.  Anyways, I don't have any awesome door photos yet!  Although, I do love my baby here against the dirty sliding glass door!

 Reflection.

Silver.

Silver? Yes.  Paige is the Silver Lining in our lives.  Honestly, we shouldn't have had another child.  There are many many reasons, but we did, and she is truly a gift during hard times.

Ramblings and Photos!

and how in the world do I get these buttons to post?  It used to work!

Week 3 with some new art!

oh, this was so fun to edit!

This one is unedited.  I love the warmth.

Some of my handmade paper!

I painted this pretty lady last night.  She is a part of a new collage, but not yet finished.  I painted her with my 19 month old on my hip, or in my lap, the entire night.  Ugh, it wasn't easy, but I just couldn't stop once I had started.  It says Be You under her eye. (also unedited)

My art fitness journal.  Huge work in slow progress! Unedited.

I didn't get out to take any photos, or again, challenge myself in any way.  Man, life is too busy these days, and too tiring.  Boo.  Here is to a better, easier, week next week. Please girls, comply!

 linking here The Daily Wyatt

naptimemomtog

The Daily Wyatt also picked on of my photos in her top 5 for last week.  Wow!  Exciting!

Work in long progress

So so much I am working on.  So so much I wish to accomplish.  So so little time for me.  Quite the balancing act.  Trying to focus on what is truly important, but must not forget me.

Another in the snow. Learning.

I know that this is a bit much, but I think I am finding my style.  I love color and brightness and things that make me happy.  Daily life is filled with so much work, so much struggle.  I love to watch my girls, even my oldest here, just play and be. It is very colorful to me!

It's funny.  I am so attracted the beautiful browns in photography and editing. The brown textures, the look of days past, yet I never edited this way.  I guess I am really finding me, yet loving the work of others.  Good balance I believe!

and I finally edited this.  Pretzel Love!

and one with texture?  I love them both.

What now?

my head is aching.  I get so tired.  A gaggle of girls keeps me from me.  I want to work, but I am so drained.  I know I can do this. I can.  Then we had another babe, and upside down I turned.  Oh, but love. Where is my balance?  Maybe I have actually found it, but must stop comparing myself to others.  My life is my life.  I am the mother I aspire to be.  I am with my children. Always.  But, still, I feel low at times. Breathe.  Sleep.

Catching Snow!

or trying anyways!

 a different angle.  Linked here!  I was lucky the screen is off the Kelsey's window. I stuck my head, and my camera, our into the snow to see what was going on down below!

last week, we finally got some snow.  The girls were out back all day.  We were all, very very happy!

and thinking of different views... these below of my babe are 2 of my favs!

and

365 week 2

On top of my list this week is a photo of my newest collage.  There is nothing spectacular about the photo, I am just really loving my new piece.  (more on this piece and some photos on the process in post below!)  So, a few photos from week 2!

This is unedited. No time!

Yes, edited! Totally!

Unedited...no time!

unedited, no time, but don't want to touch it!

and I posted this a few days below, but I really like this one of me!

and totally edited!

I took some photos of one of my daughters in the snow, and I really want to play with those, and use textures, but I just have not had a chance.  I think I may have some good ones for sure!  Oh, time...I have lost you!

I am linked up at Click it up a Notch with others doing Project 365!

and here at The Daily Wyatt !!!

and at Naptimemomtog

and also here at right here right now!

sorry, some buttons are not working, so I am just keeping everyone the same!

Love Grows in Small Places

if you're familiar with my family blog, you will know this.  It has truly become our homes staying, and I use it often.  It just fits.

Today, I struggled to mother and keep house because this just started flowing.  It is hard for me to stop when a piece is coming together so wonderfully.  I have never done a collage quite like this one, and I am so pleased. I am also so pleased I could finish this tonight. Once I have started, and it isn't just right, I struggle to rest until it is.  I hope you like this.  It just is me.

and here is how it all started!

This was originally an image transfer gone wrong!  So, I began to collage scraps together.

then I felt it needed to be stronger, so I added lots of masking tape, and painted!

and painted, and painted and painted!

and scratched a photo, painted some more, and painted some more, and finished with more paper and detail with pen!

I am going to make Valentines cards from this piece. To do this, print a nice copy, and matte, and glue onto a card!  Completely original, and personal!  I heart it, and Love (truly) Grows in Small Places.
For Valentines photo card visit The Paper Mama here!